No Easy Answers

If you had a best friend who was always there for you and helped you whenever you needed it, wouldn’t you be willing to do them a favor when they asked you? No doubt we all would. In SEL, we teach our students to be empathic, putting themselves in the shoes of those whose situations require them to act in helpful and compassionate ways. But what do we do when the situation presents us with an inner conflict? Throughout this year, SEL has focused on such topics as conflict resolution as we interact with others. But what if we are in conflict with ourselves?

In the story “No Easy Answers”, our protagonist, Lynn, had worked diligently on her math homework, despite how challenging it was (she had difficulty with percentages- I can relate to that). After working all day Saturday afternoon, she finally finished and was ready to put her homework away, when her friend Beth called, saying that she desperately needed the homework answers due to the fact that her weekend was going to be jam packed with family activities, and, well, she wasn’t very good at math anyway, so could she please have the answers? Just this once???? Beth then proceeded to remind Lynn of the many favors she had done for her, so this would be a perfect opportunity to demonstrate her gratitude and friendship. So……. on the one hand, Beth had been indeed a true and loyal friend. But then again, Lynn had worked so hard to do the homework herself. But then again, if she didn’t give Beth the answers, Beth might tell their friends, so that everyone would know what a terrible person Lynn was. But then again, it just didn’t seem fair to have to be put in this difficult position by a “friend” – hence the inner conflict. If you were Lynn, and you had to choose, what would you do?

The themes of peer pressure, friendships, empathy, conflict resolution, moral dilemmas, and consequences were explored in the 3^rd and 4^th Grades using this short story. After the reading, we asked the students to gather in pairs to answer such questions as “What would you do if your best friend asked you for a favor like this?”, or “Beth had always been there for Lynn, so why was Lynne having such a hard time deciding what to do?”, or “What would their math teacher think about this?”.

It didn’t take long for the students to brainstorm the kinds of solutions that make us proud to be part of their social emotional education. Despite being aware of the peer pressure underlying this situation, the students understood that giving a friend the answers is not only unkind to oneself, but ultimately to the friend. Alternative solutions involved offering the friend some assistance in learning the math concepts so that they can do it themselves, or encouraging them to ask a parent or teacher for extra help. One group thought it would be best for the student to honestly tell the teacher she was unable to do the homework due to her busy weekend, and accept the consequences! Why didn’t I think of that?

It’s important to encourage our youngsters to begin to tap into and label their inner feelings when presented with moral dilemmas so that when they are faced with more significant peer pressure later on, they will not only be able to trust their inner voice, but will also have the tools to withstand the fear of social rejection when they say “no” to unfair requests. Our 3^rd and 4^th Graders demonstrated this ability when they were able to suggest alternative ways to help a friend accomplish a task without compromising their own values.  This “soft skill” will serve them well as they face the life transitions that lie ahead!