How Big Is My Problem?

The past few weeks in SEL have focused on how we react to problems and how our reactions affect our peers, family members and other people in our lives. There are times when we might overreact to situations which trigger our anxieties about a stressful past event, or something with which we have very little control. As adults, when this happens, it is important to have the self-management and problem solving skills needed to calm down and re-focus on more appropriate ways to deal with our anger, anxiety, etc. Being able to label our feelings and the level of their intensity, and to manage our emotional responses is critical for our social/emotional well-being. Further, the ability to find solutions, seek help if needed, and repair any social damage wrought by our reactions is equally important, as we come to appreciate the perspectives of others with whom we interact.

So, if as adults, we understand the importance of the above concepts, how do we help our children to achieve this level of self and social awareness? How do we teach them that when they overreact to a problem, it is not only detrimental to their self-concept, but to their relationships as well. And if they do overreact, how can they then find the strategies to control their emotions and consider how their actions impact others?

In Grades Kindergarten through 4, Marilena and I introduced a colorful rubric that was adapted from “The Incredible 5 Point Scale”, developed by Michelle Garcia Winner, developer of the Social Thinking Program (www.socialthinking.com). It has been a valuable resource for us as we help the students identify through this visual in which “zone” their problem lies. If it’s green, it’s not a real problem so we can feel calm and relaxed. If it’s blue, we might feel uncomfortable or disappointed but we can handle it pretty well. The yellow zone sees us feeling pretty sad, nervous or irritated, which indicates a greater problem. Orange is pretty serious and might require the assistance of a trusted friend or adult, and red represents a situation where there is danger or where we feel unsafe or there is an emergency.

After explaining that the size of our reaction should match the size of the problem, we role played situations and had the children identify which zone they fell into and how we might solve them. For example, Marilena (a.k.a. Grumpelina) cut in front of me in line going to the cafeteria and I behaved as though it were an “orange”, becoming quite upset. The students were quick to tell me that I was overreacting, and this was most definitely not that big a deal. Some of the students felt it was in the blue zone and some felt it was in the green zone. We then talked about what we could do to solve the problem. Following up this lesson with a related tag game is always such fun for the children as they get to move around while applying what they learned. I continue to be in awe of the way Marilena makes this happen!

At home, it would be fun for you to create some situations that your children might encounter with family members, at a restaurant, on vacation, etc. An example might be to ask which zone they would be in if they had planned a play date with a friend and it was cancelled because the friend was sick. Or you went to a restaurant and didn’t like the meal you ordered. Following these up with problem solving as a family is also very valuable, as the children gain information from you regarding coping skills, self-control, problem solving and who makes up the support system at home, school and elsewhere. Self-management and metacognition are components of what are called ”soft skills”, and more  research identifies that the “soft skills” are as important for life success than academic skills!

So the question is: How big is your problem???