Sorry for blurting out but.....

....I have to say it before I forget! Does your child ever say that to you? Even though we teach our children the importance of turn taking at home and in school, their exuberance often results in wanting to respond to or share information quickly. When this happens, we adults try to remind our children that although we want to hear what they have to say, they need to wait until the appropriate time to speak so as to give others equal time. Usually, that is when I hear the comment that always brings a smile to my face - "But I have to say it before I forget"!

In response to this, I posed a thoughtful question to Mrs.Williams' Kindergarten class last week. I asked them to help me to think of ways to wait our turn when we have something we really want to say. The answers I received were more than I could have imagined. One youngster suggested that making "duck lips" (holding your lips together) prevents you from blurting out. I tried it and it worked! I held my lips together, tried to speak and voila! Nothing! Another student recommended holding the thought in your mind for as long as possible until you had the chance to say it. Not a bad idea. I especially liked the idea of whispering the thought into your hands (I'll have to try that one).

After hearing a few more suggestions, I decided to present the ultimate challenge to the entire class: Could they, as a team, put these suggestions to work by remembering not to speak out in class when a teacher is giving a lesson or when they are supposed to be working quietly? And if, every few minutes or so, their teacher put a beautifully colored glass bead into a vase when they could resist the urge to talk out, could they earn something special? And if they could fill that vase with those beautiful beads, what could they earn?

That's when the conversation got animated. I wrote their suggestions down as fast as I could, as the children and Mrs, Williams listed such ideas as a few extra minutes of recess, extra brain breaks, extra time on the iPads, and even a dance party! But when one boy raised his hand (yay!) and said that the class should have the opportunity to play on the turf field, the entire class cheered!
This conversation happened a week ago, and I am happy to report that it took only one week to get that vase filled (I was honored to be invited to the official announcement). As Mrs. Williams dropped that final bead into the vase, she announced that the class would be paying on the turf field that very day!

I am so proud of our Kindergarten children for their understanding of the importance of turn taking. Their ability to respect the perspectives of others is rewarded externally by beads and an ultimate treat. But more importantly, our goal is the internalization of response inhibition so that our children can communicate more effectively and respectfully with others.  The praise they receive for doing this is already superseding the tangible reward, and I am amazed at how little time this is actually taking! So do praise your kindergartners for their hard work and for being such empathic individuals.

Before we know it, there won't be one pair of duck lips in the class!

What would you do if you wanted to eat a snack?

OK here's a problem for you.... You're a first grader, working hard in class, when you begin to feel like you could go for a snack right about now. What do you do? Well, you could grab someone else's snack, or you could walk out of class and go to the cafeteria to see what's there, or you could ask the teacher if you could have a snack. Which would you choose? This, and other related dilemmas were posed to the first graders last week in SEL class, in order to get them to get them to consider the consequences of the choices they make in the course of their day. We talked about these consequences as they relate not only to inhibiting impulsive responses, but also with regard to social appropriateness and the perspectives and feelings of others. Michelle Garcia Winner, whose Social Thinking curriculum focuses on the learning of "expected vs. unexpected" behaviors, asks us to think of the consequences of our actions in relation to how we are perceived by others based on the choices we make. Do we make choices that are empathic and kind? Or are we mainly interested in getting our way without seeing how our behaviors impact the feelings of our peers? And how will these choices ultimately affect our friendships and relationships with peers and adults?

In response to these questions, we asked the first graders to pair up and brainstorm 3 solutions to various problems, consider the consequences of each one, choose the best solution and tell why they chose that one. Quite an assignment for these youngsters, or, so we thought!

Once again, we were amazed by the thoughtfulness and imagination of our children, but more importantly, the empathy and wisdom of their responses. One pair of students decided that grabbing someone else's snack would result in being considered a bad friend. Going to the cafeteria would result in getting in trouble for not asking. But asking if you could have a snack would be the most appropriate solution because you would more than likely be granted permission to have it if you made a polite request! Other dilemmas included what to do if someone says something mean to you, or if you raise your hand and are not called on, etc. All of this brainstorming resulted in responses that are indicative of the "expected/unexpected" behaviors that they are taught, but also that these children can self monitor and inhibit unproductive responses in favor of those that foster friendship, adherence to social norms, and safety in obeying rules.

Children as young as 6 years old know these concepts as their executive functioning capacities develop. As parents and caregivers, we know that the ability to delay impulsive responding, to monitor our responses to determine their appropriateness, and to consider the perspectives of those to whom we respond involves higher order thinking that result in satisfying and meaningful relationships. So go ahead and do some of these kinds of problem solving exercises with your children and be sure to ask them what they feel the consequences of their choices would be as they choose the best alternative. Developing cause and effect thinking is a critical part of growing up!

So...what would you do if you wanted to eat a snack?