The joy of making mistakes!

I recently had the opportunity to speak to the Lower School parents about resilience through goal directed persistence. I love this topic because it relates to executive functioning, or the ability to plan, organize, manage our time, inhibit impulsive responses, and to initiate and complete tasks in the interest of achieving our goals. While we are in the process of developing these higher level skills however, we also have to accept that we will be making mistakes along the way. Do we dare say that we may fail? And if we do, does that mean that we are failures? And if we make mistakes, do we dare admit to them for fear of being poorly regarded?

These, and other questions were asked of our Kindergarten through 4th Grade students, as we explore the Growth Mindset movement, which is gaining notoriety in schools nationally and internationally. Dr. Carol Dweck, a researcher at Stanford University, and author of “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success”, states that children become more resilient and embrace challenges more readily when praised for their effort. Conversely, when praised for their innate intelligence, the likelihood of success is lessened due to their reluctance to make mistakes and learn from them. Changing the way we talk to our children is a fascinating dilemma, considering that we must first change the way we talk to ourselves about making mistakes and failing!

But back to the kids! One of the most highly recommended children’s books about the joy of making mistakes is aptly entitled “The Girl who Never Made Mistakes”, by Mark Pett and Gary Rubenstein. The children loved this story, and were eager to talk about some of the mistakes they have made, why it was ok to make mistakes and what they learn from them. We reinforced this lesson at our Lower School community meeting last Friday where all of the students united to embrace the lessons learned from failure as they relate to effort and persistence. Mrs. Aysacker (a.k.a. “Angelina”) played the birthday song for the students, but made a few mistakes along the way, which were negatively noted by our “Grumpelina”. The children were given the opportunity to give their views as to why it was ok for Angelina to make mistakes and to praise her for continuing to play the song to its completion. I am always amazed by the thoughtful responses our children come up with. After listening to many of them, we concluded the lesson with one of our littlest Pre-K students summing it all up by assertively saying “Just do the best you can”! I couldn’t have said it better myself!

At home, consider the importance of praising your child’s effort and persistence when they succeed. For example, a good grade on a spelling test could warrant the acknowledgement that he/she worked hard to achieve that grade, followed by questioning what type of strategy was used to get there. This type of conversation yields a greater level of motivation than praising intelligence alone.

And don’t forget to remind your child about the girl who never made mistakes, and why she got the best night’s sleep of her entire life after making a really really big mistake (although you probably can guess)!

Have You Filled a Bucket Today?

Have you filled a bucket today?????

That is the title of what has become one of our favorite children’s’ books, written by Carol McCloud and David Messing.  As it turns out, each and every one of us is carrying around an invisible bucket that gets filled when others demonstrate acts of kindness and empathy toward us. And the best part is that our bucket gets filled when we perform acts of kindness for others! Two buckets get filled at the same time! I had to process that one with the Kindergarten, First and Second Grade children, as I thought this was too good to be true. But they were able to explain to me that the reason why both buckets get filled is that when you make someone feel cared for, included, or good about themselves, it makes you feel good about yourself too, hence the “2 bucket” theory! 

We talked about how we could be bucket fillers at school, and the examples were inspiring – saying thank you to the lunch staff after clearing our trays, whole body listening when the teacher or a friend is talking, asking someone to play with you if they are alone, congratulating a friend when they win a game. And there were many others too numerous to mention.

We also talked about “bucket dipping”, or those words or actions which make people feel bad. Sometimes we feel like we are filling our buckets by bringing people down or excluding them, but in reality, we empty our own buckets as well. Some examples of bucket dipping which we discussed are telling friends that they can’t play with us at recess, or criticizing them in some way. Again, their responses reflected the level of empathy and compassion with which your children function in their everyday lives. This lesson promoted not only a good amount of self-awareness in the students, but also some perspective taking as we explored how our actions impact those with whom we interact.

At home, ask your children about the bucket filling lessons they have learned, and how they not only became bucket fillers at school, but how they can be bucket fillers at home and in the community as well. If their thoughts move you as much as it moved me and Marilena, your bucket will be overflowing!

So at the end of the day, ask yourself: “Was I a bucket filler or a bucket dipper?”

Two (or more) Sides to Every Story

According to Robert Brooks,PhD, noted speaker and author of “Raising Resilient Children”, Resilient children, those who are happy and successful, learn to manage their emotions, thoughts and behaviors in part through the common denominator of living, working with and being educated by available and caring adults”. Being able to manage one’s emotions is a metacognitive quality that is associated not only with resilience, but with the development of empathy, or the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes and respond accordingly.

As we proceed through the continuum of social emotional competencies as outlined by the Collaborative for Academic Social Emotional Learning (CASEL), Marilena and I focused on Perspective Taking with our students in order to determine how many sides to a given story they could come up with. Once again, our 3^rd Graders amazed us with the empathy of their responses to the following scenario:

“Monica invites Andy over for a playdate, but Andy says he wants to stay home. Monica feels that Andy doesn’t want to be her friend. Why else might Andy not want to go to Monica’s?”

The students were separated into groups of 3 or 4 in order to ponder this and other related scenarios, and then to role play some of their solutions (your children love to role play and we love to see what they come up with)!

After brainstorming and rehearsing for about 10 minutes, we sat in our circle and talked about the various perspectives one could assume, despite the some of the more obvious ones. In the aforementioned dilemma, one student said that perhaps Andy wasn’t feeling well, or that something happened in Andy’s family which made Andy want to be home, or that he might have gone to a Red Sox game the night before and didn’t get much sleep. Or that he had to study for a test, or that he might have invited a friend to his house for a play date, or that he just didn’t feel like playing, to name a few. The students came to the realization that rather than take a situation like this personally, they should consider that there are a number of factors responsible for others’ actions (in other words, 2 or more sides to every story). As we moved through each of the 4 scenarios the children were asked to analyze, Marilena and I were once again in awe of the ability of these young people to be empathic in their understanding of the various situations that they and others encounter and the reasons why they do what they do.

At home you can create a few dilemmas with your children and ask them to think of some reasons why someone might respond the way they do. You will be both surprised and pleased to see how caring and creative they are! One of my favorites was this scenario:”Smilena is upset because Grumpelina won’t make eye contact when she talks to her. What might be some reasons? – To which a student replied: “Because the sun was in her eyes!” of course! Why didn’t I think of that?

So many feelings!

Is it possible to feel more than 1 feeling at the same time? Marilena and I posed this question to our students this week, as we encouraged them to talk about the diverse feelings around returning to school. Our goals were twofold: Help them to label the diversity of feelings they experience around this transition, and of equal importance, become aware of the feelings of their peers. This level of perspective taking is ultimately designed to make students aware of the feelings of friends who are new to Berwick, and to demonstrate empathy and inclusion.

I am a great believer in visual aids to assist in processing and organizing thoughts. Our Social Thinking poster (you know – the yellow one with the 2 hands with a skill emanating from each finger for a total of 10 that is in every classroom) is a great example of the types of visuals I like to use. So for the 3^rd and 4^th Graders, I decided to use one of David Hyerle’s Thinking maps to help the children visualize and process all of the different emotions around the 1^st week of school. In The Circle Map and Frame (see below), students were encouraged to write anything they could think of associated with returning to school – anything from new shoes, to new classrooms, to recess, lunch, friends, etc. Outside of the circle, they were encouraged to label the feelings associated with each item.

As you can imagine, the responses were quite diverse. Folks were pretty happy about the new shoes and seeing friends, but expressed various feelings regarding new classrooms and expectations. Nervousness about amount of homework, sadness regarding the end of Summer vacation, joyfulness about getting back to Art class, shyness about making new friends were only a few of the emotions  that were expressed. And as you can also imagine, the new students expressed more curiosity and anxiety, but also excitement and relief.

Learning to hold and cope with a variety of feelings simultaneously was effectively addressed through labeling, and allowed the students to identify strategies when feelings become too overwhelming. They named a variety of trusted family members, siblings, friends and school staff with whom to share their concerns, and also talked about how they could be the trusted ones when friends need help.

For our little ones, some readings and role playing will allow for the expressions of emotions, as well as the naming of strategies for coping with them. “Rainbow Fish” is one of Marilena’s favorites and will provide a lesson in perspective taking, empathy and friendship skills.

At home, it’s great to talk to your children about their feelings, and how we can feel opposite feelings at the same time. It’s fun to ask them what kinds of situations would prompt conflicting feelings. For example, going to the doctor because you are ill makes us both nervous and relieved because we know that will feel better afterwards. You can name some situations for the younger children, and for older ones, have them create them. This will give you a window into the types of situations that produce the variety of emotions that you see.

Below is a compilation of the feelings our students expressed about the beginning of school!

Welcome Back!

Don’t you just love the first day of school? It never ceases to amaze us how children can grow so much in such a short period of time! Marilena and I had the pleasure of greeting the children and their parents upon their return from summer and as expected, their exuberance once again permeated the air. They expressed varying levels of readiness, mixed feelings, and excitement about seeing friends and being in new classrooms. Many of them were feeling normal levels of anxiety as well, as reported by their parents after classroom drop off!

As a matter of course, we address issues around initial anxiety right from the beginning of the year: naming feelings, understanding the reasons for those feelings, and finding various ways to cope with them. In our social emotional learning classes, Marilena and I are hoping to expand on the children’s “feelings vocabulary”, so they will be better able to identify the subtleties between such feelings as “disappointment” and “frustration”.  The ability to do this enables the adoption of the most appropriate strategy when needed.

This approach was validated by Marc Brackett,PhD, Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.  We were fortunate to have him speak to our faculty before the start of school, about his RULER approach to SEL. RULER is an acronym which refers to the 5 components of the program, which align closely to ours here at Berwick.  His emphasis on the importance of emotional intelligence and self-regulation will be addressed in various ways throughout the year.

In Kindergarten, 1^st and 2^nd grades, we will process “back to school” feelings by labeling the physical underpinnings of emotions, and what we can do when we feel them. Showing where feelings are in the body through diagrams will allow the children to see where those feelings reside as they come to understand the reasons for them. We will also role play solutions for dealing with these emotions, and these will include talking to a trusted person about them. Relaxation techniques for self-regulation will also be a critical component.

Processing feelings in the 3^rd Grade will be done through discussions of where emotions are in our body, as well as how we deal with them in appropriate and meaningful ways. The idea of perspective taking in this class will be taught as we encourage the students to advocate for their peers as well as for themselves. A diagram showing a feelings thermometer will give the students a visual aid to record the intensity of the emotion they feel, as they assess what to do about this emotion.

In the 4^th Grade, the discussions and recording of feelings under various circumstances will be done initially in pairs, as students exchange ideas and thoughts about beginning school. The goal of this is to have the students validate each other’s’ anxieties, fears, or excitement, and establish common solutions for how to deal with them. We will then come together to create a “thinking map” of our collection of feelings and solutions. This visual will allow the students to see the wide variety of emotions associated with school, ranging from elation to anxiety, and everything in between!

The provision of a safe and validating community will enhance the students’ ability to identify, label and cope with feelings which may inhibit academic or social performance. We aim to provide that environment for the children as they learn to care for themselves and for others with empathy and compassion.

Marilena and I are excited to be able to combine social emotional learning with physical movement, mindfulness and yoga this year. All of these will contribute to the “whole child” approach to learning, which BA is dedicated to providing for our children!

Sorry for blurting out but.....

....I have to say it before I forget! Does your child ever say that to you? Even though we teach our children the importance of turn taking at home and in school, their exuberance often results in wanting to respond to or share information quickly. When this happens, we adults try to remind our children that although we want to hear what they have to say, they need to wait until the appropriate time to speak so as to give others equal time. Usually, that is when I hear the comment that always brings a smile to my face - "But I have to say it before I forget"!

In response to this, I posed a thoughtful question to Mrs.Williams' Kindergarten class last week. I asked them to help me to think of ways to wait our turn when we have something we really want to say. The answers I received were more than I could have imagined. One youngster suggested that making "duck lips" (holding your lips together) prevents you from blurting out. I tried it and it worked! I held my lips together, tried to speak and voila! Nothing! Another student recommended holding the thought in your mind for as long as possible until you had the chance to say it. Not a bad idea. I especially liked the idea of whispering the thought into your hands (I'll have to try that one).

After hearing a few more suggestions, I decided to present the ultimate challenge to the entire class: Could they, as a team, put these suggestions to work by remembering not to speak out in class when a teacher is giving a lesson or when they are supposed to be working quietly? And if, every few minutes or so, their teacher put a beautifully colored glass bead into a vase when they could resist the urge to talk out, could they earn something special? And if they could fill that vase with those beautiful beads, what could they earn?

That's when the conversation got animated. I wrote their suggestions down as fast as I could, as the children and Mrs, Williams listed such ideas as a few extra minutes of recess, extra brain breaks, extra time on the iPads, and even a dance party! But when one boy raised his hand (yay!) and said that the class should have the opportunity to play on the turf field, the entire class cheered!
This conversation happened a week ago, and I am happy to report that it took only one week to get that vase filled (I was honored to be invited to the official announcement). As Mrs. Williams dropped that final bead into the vase, she announced that the class would be paying on the turf field that very day!

I am so proud of our Kindergarten children for their understanding of the importance of turn taking. Their ability to respect the perspectives of others is rewarded externally by beads and an ultimate treat. But more importantly, our goal is the internalization of response inhibition so that our children can communicate more effectively and respectfully with others.  The praise they receive for doing this is already superseding the tangible reward, and I am amazed at how little time this is actually taking! So do praise your kindergartners for their hard work and for being such empathic individuals.

Before we know it, there won't be one pair of duck lips in the class!

What would you do if you wanted to eat a snack?

OK here's a problem for you.... You're a first grader, working hard in class, when you begin to feel like you could go for a snack right about now. What do you do? Well, you could grab someone else's snack, or you could walk out of class and go to the cafeteria to see what's there, or you could ask the teacher if you could have a snack. Which would you choose? This, and other related dilemmas were posed to the first graders last week in SEL class, in order to get them to get them to consider the consequences of the choices they make in the course of their day. We talked about these consequences as they relate not only to inhibiting impulsive responses, but also with regard to social appropriateness and the perspectives and feelings of others. Michelle Garcia Winner, whose Social Thinking curriculum focuses on the learning of "expected vs. unexpected" behaviors, asks us to think of the consequences of our actions in relation to how we are perceived by others based on the choices we make. Do we make choices that are empathic and kind? Or are we mainly interested in getting our way without seeing how our behaviors impact the feelings of our peers? And how will these choices ultimately affect our friendships and relationships with peers and adults?

In response to these questions, we asked the first graders to pair up and brainstorm 3 solutions to various problems, consider the consequences of each one, choose the best solution and tell why they chose that one. Quite an assignment for these youngsters, or, so we thought!

Once again, we were amazed by the thoughtfulness and imagination of our children, but more importantly, the empathy and wisdom of their responses. One pair of students decided that grabbing someone else's snack would result in being considered a bad friend. Going to the cafeteria would result in getting in trouble for not asking. But asking if you could have a snack would be the most appropriate solution because you would more than likely be granted permission to have it if you made a polite request! Other dilemmas included what to do if someone says something mean to you, or if you raise your hand and are not called on, etc. All of this brainstorming resulted in responses that are indicative of the "expected/unexpected" behaviors that they are taught, but also that these children can self monitor and inhibit unproductive responses in favor of those that foster friendship, adherence to social norms, and safety in obeying rules.

Children as young as 6 years old know these concepts as their executive functioning capacities develop. As parents and caregivers, we know that the ability to delay impulsive responding, to monitor our responses to determine their appropriateness, and to consider the perspectives of those to whom we respond involves higher order thinking that result in satisfying and meaningful relationships. So go ahead and do some of these kinds of problem solving exercises with your children and be sure to ask them what they feel the consequences of their choices would be as they choose the best alternative. Developing cause and effect thinking is a critical part of growing up!

So...what would you do if you wanted to eat a snack?