Rainbow Fish and Qualities of Friendship!

10-12-2016

In Wellness class, we have been working with students on social emotional strategies.  One of the most important skills we are learning about is how to be a good friend and sometimes this can be tough.  Being a friend is a crucial life skill that they will carry all through school and into the real-world.  As a school, we read Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister.  Rainbow fish is about a beautiful fish that learns how to make friends by sharing his most prized possessions his scales. He learned that he would have more friends by sharing what he loved (his scales) than holding onto them.  Each child colored and decorated their fish and on the inside of the fish wrote a quality of friendship that was important to them.  Come check out their fish on the top floor of the Lower School!   

Welcome Back! September 2016

September 17, 2016

It’s so great to be back to school!  I love the first day of school!! It never ceases to amaze us how children can grow so much in such a short period of time! This year Wellness class will be taught by myself with the help of the classroom teachers.  

In our first wellness classes of the year we talked about our own feeling about starting a new school year.  The students expressed varying levels of readiness, mixed feelings, and excitement about seeing friends and being in new classrooms. Many of them were feeling normal levels of anxiety as well, as reported by their parents after classroom drop off!

We address issues around initial anxiety right from the beginning of the year: naming feelings, understanding the reasons for those feelings, and finding various ways to cope with them. In our wellness classes, the teachers are I are hoping to expand on the children’s “feelings vocabulary”, so they will be better able to identify the subtleties between such feelings as “disappointment” and “frustration”.  The ability to do this enables the adoption of the most appropriate strategy when needed.We also included talking to a trusted person about our feeling. We also are incorporating the Yoga 4 Classrooms relaxation techniques for self-regulation with mountain pose and balloon breathes. 

Last fall, we were fortunate to have Marc Brackett (Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence) speak to our faculty about his RULER approach to Social Emotion Learning.  He used the RULER is an acronym which refers to the 5 components of the program, which align closely to ours here at Berwick.  His emphasis on the importance of emotional intelligence and self-regulation will be addressed in various ways throughout the year.  

In Kindergarten, we read the book: The Way I Feel by Janan Cain.  We asked the students if they had any of the same feeling that were in this book.  We processed “back to school” feelings by labeling the emotions and what we could do when we feel them.  We play a movement game that the students acted out how these emotions made their bodies feel.  

  

In first grade, we read the book The Pout-Pout Fish Goes to School by Deborah Diesen.  The fish in this story had a great start to his day and then lost his way around school and was feeling sad and disappointed.  We talked about his body language and once he found the right classroom, how his self-esteem and confidence improved.

In second grade, we process our “back to school” feeling by labeling the physical underpinnings of emotions, and what we can do when we feel them.  The students showed by putting butterflies on different body parts where they had these feeling.  They also found words that described how they felt and put them on the poster.

Processing feelings in the 3^rd Grade was be done through discussions of where emotions are in our body, as well as how we deal with them in appropriate and meaningful ways. The students did an activity where they had to run and get an emotion word from one side of the gymnasium and act it back to their partner on the other side.   

In the 4^th Grade, the discussions and recording of feelings under various circumstances will be done initially in pairs, as students exchange ideas and thoughts about the beginning of school. The goal of this is to have the students validate each other’s’ anxieties, fears, or excitement, and establish common solutions for how to deal with them.   The students watched two clips from the Disney’s Pixar movie Inside Out and had great discussions about how Riley felt in the movie and if they had any of the same feelings.  

We are providing an environment for the children to learn and care for themselves and for each other with empathy and compassion. 

The Lower School teachers and I  are excited to be able to combine social emotional learning with physical movement, mindfulness and yoga this year. All of these will contribute to the “whole child” approach to learning, which BA is dedicated to providing for our children!

Are you Listening?

Has this ever happened to you? You're engaged in a conversation with someone and despite the fact that they are making eye contact with you, you just have a feeling that they are not listening? Conversely, has your mind ever wandered off while listening to someone telling you about something that happened to them? And they follow it up with a question like: "How would you handle that situation if you were me?" or "What would you do if you were in my shoes?". And you then realize you have no idea how to answer them because you really weren't listening?

We posed this dilemma to our 3rd and 4th Graders with 2 goals in mind: 1 - Teaching the art of listening, and 2 - How to repair a conversation when our mind focuses on something else to the extent that we miss the gist of the conversation.

To accomplish goal #1, I engaged Marilena in a conversation about my relaxing weekend, with Marilena making eye contact with me in a way that made me feel that while she was looking at me, her mind was not on the conversation. The students agreed that her responses (or lack thereof) did not match the content of the conversation. She didn't nod her head in acknowledgement, nor did she smile when appropriate. Instead, her facial expressions and body language indicated a lack of presence to what I was saying. Indeed, when I asked her what I had said, she admitted that she had missed most of the conversation because she wasn't fully attending.

We then talked about some of the most important components of listening: being attentive, focusing on our partner, nodding with acknowledgement and reflecting the mood of the speaker.

With regard to goal number 2, we asked the students if they had ever been guilty of not fully listening when someone's talking. An example I gave was: "Suppose you are chatting with your friend but then you realize that you forgot your math homework  and you are now preoccupied with the consequences of not having your homework to hand in! So you lose focus on what your friend is saying and they then ask you for a reaction to what they were saying! All of the students admitted that they were guilty of this at one time or another. How do we repair it? The students knew exactly what to do! One said that she would apologize to her friend for not attending, following up with the reason why, in this case, being worried about the forgotten homework. The others gave similar responses, indicating that they would take responsibility and follow it up with a sincere explanation.
They make me so proud!

Our final activity was a fun test of their listening skills. They had to listen to a partner read to them a series of activities and to perform them according to the sequence on the card. For example, one student was asked to: "Raise your hand and point to the ceiling, after you name the state you live in, but before you say your favorite food"!

At home, try some of these fun exercises as you talk about the importance of listening and its impact on friendship skills.Your children will amaze you!

No Easy Answers

If you had a best friend who was always there for you and helped you whenever you needed it, wouldn’t you be willing to do them a favor when they asked you? No doubt we all would. In SEL, we teach our students to be empathic, putting themselves in the shoes of those whose situations require them to act in helpful and compassionate ways. But what do we do when the situation presents us with an inner conflict? Throughout this year, SEL has focused on such topics as conflict resolution as we interact with others. But what if we are in conflict with ourselves?

In the story “No Easy Answers”, our protagonist, Lynn, had worked diligently on her math homework, despite how challenging it was (she had difficulty with percentages- I can relate to that). After working all day Saturday afternoon, she finally finished and was ready to put her homework away, when her friend Beth called, saying that she desperately needed the homework answers due to the fact that her weekend was going to be jam packed with family activities, and, well, she wasn’t very good at math anyway, so could she please have the answers? Just this once???? Beth then proceeded to remind Lynn of the many favors she had done for her, so this would be a perfect opportunity to demonstrate her gratitude and friendship. So……. on the one hand, Beth had been indeed a true and loyal friend. But then again, Lynn had worked so hard to do the homework herself. But then again, if she didn’t give Beth the answers, Beth might tell their friends, so that everyone would know what a terrible person Lynn was. But then again, it just didn’t seem fair to have to be put in this difficult position by a “friend” – hence the inner conflict. If you were Lynn, and you had to choose, what would you do?

The themes of peer pressure, friendships, empathy, conflict resolution, moral dilemmas, and consequences were explored in the 3^rd and 4^th Grades using this short story. After the reading, we asked the students to gather in pairs to answer such questions as “What would you do if your best friend asked you for a favor like this?”, or “Beth had always been there for Lynn, so why was Lynne having such a hard time deciding what to do?”, or “What would their math teacher think about this?”.

It didn’t take long for the students to brainstorm the kinds of solutions that make us proud to be part of their social emotional education. Despite being aware of the peer pressure underlying this situation, the students understood that giving a friend the answers is not only unkind to oneself, but ultimately to the friend. Alternative solutions involved offering the friend some assistance in learning the math concepts so that they can do it themselves, or encouraging them to ask a parent or teacher for extra help. One group thought it would be best for the student to honestly tell the teacher she was unable to do the homework due to her busy weekend, and accept the consequences! Why didn’t I think of that?

It’s important to encourage our youngsters to begin to tap into and label their inner feelings when presented with moral dilemmas so that when they are faced with more significant peer pressure later on, they will not only be able to trust their inner voice, but will also have the tools to withstand the fear of social rejection when they say “no” to unfair requests. Our 3^rd and 4^th Graders demonstrated this ability when they were able to suggest alternative ways to help a friend accomplish a task without compromising their own values.  This “soft skill” will serve them well as they face the life transitions that lie ahead!

How Big Is My Problem?

The past few weeks in SEL have focused on how we react to problems and how our reactions affect our peers, family members and other people in our lives. There are times when we might overreact to situations which trigger our anxieties about a stressful past event, or something with which we have very little control. As adults, when this happens, it is important to have the self-management and problem solving skills needed to calm down and re-focus on more appropriate ways to deal with our anger, anxiety, etc. Being able to label our feelings and the level of their intensity, and to manage our emotional responses is critical for our social/emotional well-being. Further, the ability to find solutions, seek help if needed, and repair any social damage wrought by our reactions is equally important, as we come to appreciate the perspectives of others with whom we interact.

So, if as adults, we understand the importance of the above concepts, how do we help our children to achieve this level of self and social awareness? How do we teach them that when they overreact to a problem, it is not only detrimental to their self-concept, but to their relationships as well. And if they do overreact, how can they then find the strategies to control their emotions and consider how their actions impact others?

In Grades Kindergarten through 4, Marilena and I introduced a colorful rubric that was adapted from “The Incredible 5 Point Scale”, developed by Michelle Garcia Winner, developer of the Social Thinking Program (www.socialthinking.com). It has been a valuable resource for us as we help the students identify through this visual in which “zone” their problem lies. If it’s green, it’s not a real problem so we can feel calm and relaxed. If it’s blue, we might feel uncomfortable or disappointed but we can handle it pretty well. The yellow zone sees us feeling pretty sad, nervous or irritated, which indicates a greater problem. Orange is pretty serious and might require the assistance of a trusted friend or adult, and red represents a situation where there is danger or where we feel unsafe or there is an emergency.

After explaining that the size of our reaction should match the size of the problem, we role played situations and had the children identify which zone they fell into and how we might solve them. For example, Marilena (a.k.a. Grumpelina) cut in front of me in line going to the cafeteria and I behaved as though it were an “orange”, becoming quite upset. The students were quick to tell me that I was overreacting, and this was most definitely not that big a deal. Some of the students felt it was in the blue zone and some felt it was in the green zone. We then talked about what we could do to solve the problem. Following up this lesson with a related tag game is always such fun for the children as they get to move around while applying what they learned. I continue to be in awe of the way Marilena makes this happen!

At home, it would be fun for you to create some situations that your children might encounter with family members, at a restaurant, on vacation, etc. An example might be to ask which zone they would be in if they had planned a play date with a friend and it was cancelled because the friend was sick. Or you went to a restaurant and didn’t like the meal you ordered. Following these up with problem solving as a family is also very valuable, as the children gain information from you regarding coping skills, self-control, problem solving and who makes up the support system at home, school and elsewhere. Self-management and metacognition are components of what are called ”soft skills”, and more  research identifies that the “soft skills” are as important for life success than academic skills!

So the question is: How big is your problem???

The joy of making mistakes!

I recently had the opportunity to speak to the Lower School parents about resilience through goal directed persistence. I love this topic because it relates to executive functioning, or the ability to plan, organize, manage our time, inhibit impulsive responses, and to initiate and complete tasks in the interest of achieving our goals. While we are in the process of developing these higher level skills however, we also have to accept that we will be making mistakes along the way. Do we dare say that we may fail? And if we do, does that mean that we are failures? And if we make mistakes, do we dare admit to them for fear of being poorly regarded?

These, and other questions were asked of our Kindergarten through 4th Grade students, as we explore the Growth Mindset movement, which is gaining notoriety in schools nationally and internationally. Dr. Carol Dweck, a researcher at Stanford University, and author of “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success”, states that children become more resilient and embrace challenges more readily when praised for their effort. Conversely, when praised for their innate intelligence, the likelihood of success is lessened due to their reluctance to make mistakes and learn from them. Changing the way we talk to our children is a fascinating dilemma, considering that we must first change the way we talk to ourselves about making mistakes and failing!

But back to the kids! One of the most highly recommended children’s books about the joy of making mistakes is aptly entitled “The Girl who Never Made Mistakes”, by Mark Pett and Gary Rubenstein. The children loved this story, and were eager to talk about some of the mistakes they have made, why it was ok to make mistakes and what they learn from them. We reinforced this lesson at our Lower School community meeting last Friday where all of the students united to embrace the lessons learned from failure as they relate to effort and persistence. Mrs. Aysacker (a.k.a. “Angelina”) played the birthday song for the students, but made a few mistakes along the way, which were negatively noted by our “Grumpelina”. The children were given the opportunity to give their views as to why it was ok for Angelina to make mistakes and to praise her for continuing to play the song to its completion. I am always amazed by the thoughtful responses our children come up with. After listening to many of them, we concluded the lesson with one of our littlest Pre-K students summing it all up by assertively saying “Just do the best you can”! I couldn’t have said it better myself!

At home, consider the importance of praising your child’s effort and persistence when they succeed. For example, a good grade on a spelling test could warrant the acknowledgement that he/she worked hard to achieve that grade, followed by questioning what type of strategy was used to get there. This type of conversation yields a greater level of motivation than praising intelligence alone.

And don’t forget to remind your child about the girl who never made mistakes, and why she got the best night’s sleep of her entire life after making a really really big mistake (although you probably can guess)!

Have You Filled a Bucket Today?

Have you filled a bucket today?????

That is the title of what has become one of our favorite children’s’ books, written by Carol McCloud and David Messing.  As it turns out, each and every one of us is carrying around an invisible bucket that gets filled when others demonstrate acts of kindness and empathy toward us. And the best part is that our bucket gets filled when we perform acts of kindness for others! Two buckets get filled at the same time! I had to process that one with the Kindergarten, First and Second Grade children, as I thought this was too good to be true. But they were able to explain to me that the reason why both buckets get filled is that when you make someone feel cared for, included, or good about themselves, it makes you feel good about yourself too, hence the “2 bucket” theory! 

We talked about how we could be bucket fillers at school, and the examples were inspiring – saying thank you to the lunch staff after clearing our trays, whole body listening when the teacher or a friend is talking, asking someone to play with you if they are alone, congratulating a friend when they win a game. And there were many others too numerous to mention.

We also talked about “bucket dipping”, or those words or actions which make people feel bad. Sometimes we feel like we are filling our buckets by bringing people down or excluding them, but in reality, we empty our own buckets as well. Some examples of bucket dipping which we discussed are telling friends that they can’t play with us at recess, or criticizing them in some way. Again, their responses reflected the level of empathy and compassion with which your children function in their everyday lives. This lesson promoted not only a good amount of self-awareness in the students, but also some perspective taking as we explored how our actions impact those with whom we interact.

At home, ask your children about the bucket filling lessons they have learned, and how they not only became bucket fillers at school, but how they can be bucket fillers at home and in the community as well. If their thoughts move you as much as it moved me and Marilena, your bucket will be overflowing!

So at the end of the day, ask yourself: “Was I a bucket filler or a bucket dipper?”